"You."

I wish there were more eloquent words I could scrounge up, but all I have is "I miss you." And this "you" carries so much weight because it's not just one soul, and not just one thing. It's the experiences, the attachment, the distinct voices, faces, the places we went to, the things we said, the things we never got to say and meant to. It's imagining what would've been if "loss" hadn't intercepted our paths, good and bad. It's re-learning how to move and talk and act like myself, all the while knowing I'll never be able to turn to you and share things like we did. It's wondering when the pain will go away and how that will ever happen, and what it will feel like to forget because this is what the mind does. It forgets so that pain can no longer latch on there...which will be wonderful, but will also break my heart when I can't remember the details of "you." "You" left me with a lot to bear: loss, love, rage, strength, wisdom, hope, emptiness, betrayal, insight into myself. "You," or at least one of you, knew me so well. I never knew. I've spilled angry words, bitter tears, outrage, fond memories, jokes, last words, and sheer confusion as to how all this negativity and sadness hasn't done me in already. I guess you were right when you said I was strong. I knew, but I've forgotten in all this mess. Now I'd like to move on and continue to carry "you" with me, but only one of you please. You both taught me well, taught me things I won't forget because they've already changed me in innumerous ways, but only one of you deserves my memory and my heart. "You," on the other hand, can kindly leave now.

Power brings its own version of confusion

I'm not in over my head by any means, because I'm more than in control and objective, but I feel like I should be feeling wholly overwhelmed by now. I haven't a clue what that is supposed to mean or amount to.

Heedless yet somehow still overburdened

The view from the passenger seat on the way back home from Ocean City, MD. Now, if only I had taken a picture of the ocean...

Sometimes "nothing" is the best thing that can happen.

It's easy to appreciate the moments that are clearly enjoyable or eventful, but it is better to recognize that life is the present moment we are living and each moment is to be savored, good or bad. Life is not the past nor the future, but rather it is every moment in which we are immersed and alive, and it is our responsibility to be in those moments always.

Yesterday was one of those days. Perhaps it was uneventful by some people's definitions, but for me it was nearly perfect. I trekked to another borough in search of some seriously soulful pie and then meandered around an unknown neighborhood until I stumbled upon a park. I sat on the stairwell and just took it all in: the clearness of the skies, the sound of conversations and little kids running around, the electric green of the trees and the grass, the breeze...bubbles floating by...as much as my mind and eyes could take in. It was one of those days where every moment seems to last an eternity because I had fallen so deep into exploring and existing in it. Upon rousing out of that state, I looked at my watch and realized only a short time had actually passed--just a handful of minutes--according to the clock anyway. But that doesn't exactly matter; it is only significant and worth noting because it reminded me what each moment of life is. Moments are unknowably deep and marvelous things, simple and yet more complex than we can probably ever understand. It's just a shame that we are, more often than not, too distracted to notice that.

And just for fun: Waka Waka!

Thank you Mr. Stevenson, you successfully defined my life.

"There is no duty so much underrated as the duty of being happy." -Robert Louis Stevenson

That could not sum up my life's work/perspective/insert-appropriate-adjective-here any more succinctly or precisely than I could ever hope to.

The final days...well, kind of.

Finally, after 18 or so years, I will no longer be a student. Work-wise, school is done; according to FIT though, I have one more course to go. But, after the mess these last few weeks have been, I can get through just about anything at this point. So, I'm not completely free of school--summer school awaits. Womp. Womp.

There's been quite a lot happening lately, besides getting myself and everything together for graduation. On a positive note, I've been hired as a part-time educator for CMoM, so I'll be with them for a little while longer. Should be good times :] Hopefully I can find something a bit more permanent soon...

And the secret is out--I know how to paint! Or, more specifically, I haven't forgotten how to. Dare I say I think I actually like it now...? o.0 I never used to be a fan of painting--paintbrushes always felt chaotic in my hand for some reason. I'm very glad to have taken the traditional techniques in the fine arts course this semester...I think it reignited something.
These are some pictures of the final project for the class--an oil painting on a gold leaf/gilded panel. ((DASH would be so disappointed...photographic references! Gah!))

Goodnight.

Our body's fit together like a makeshift puzzle/
And it's clear to see why you puzzle me